“You’re responsible for how long you let what hurt you, haunt you”
Sarah Jakes Roberts
In November I had the opportunity to attend the inaugural We Buy Black Convention in Atlanta. I finally had the chance to meet two members of my soul tribe AND launch my very first product; The Mended Womb Vaginal Steam Herbs. The best part was that my daughter was right by my side. That Sunday on the way back to the airport to fly home, I stopped to fill the rental car with gas. As I was pulling into the gas station, a black cat darted right out in front of the car. I don’t believe black cats are bad luck, but the way my relationship is set up with my ancestors, I knew it was a warning that something unexpected was coming my way and I should be on the alert.
My senses were heightened and I was even more aware of my surroundings as I pumped gas. Nothing. I was more careful driving, paying closer attention to other drivers on the road. We made it safely to the airport. As we get on the elevator, there’s a man riding with us that looks suspect. Was this it? Nope, he was innocent enough and asked for a few dollars and I obliged. Then I thought maybe our flight would be delayed, cancelled or maybe there would be unexpected turbulence. Wrong again. The entire experience in the airport was completely uneventful. When we arrived at the Buffalo airport close to midnight I was confident that I had escaped any unforeseen mishap or adversity and let my guard down.
As we arrive in baggage claim, and I’m looking at the screens for our flight number, I turn around and I find myself within feet of my worst nightmare; the family member who molested me for 7 years, beginning at the age of 4. The man who snatched my childhood, my innocence, and my complete sense of self. For a moment I was frozen, confused. Was this really him? He looked so different; so old, so worn. But it was him. His eyes were the same. He stared back at me and nodded his head in acknowledgment. I turned around, grabbed my daughter by the hand and walked away. In my head I was like, “f^*%. Did that really just happen”. I looked out of the corner of my eye. He was also in a wheelchair! This man is in his late 50s. Too young to be in a wheelchair, but obviously not too young to have spent some extended time with karma. And then it dawns on me. This is the warning of the black cat. After coming from a trip to launch a product to address Womb trauma, I come face to face with the man who inflicted the very first and fatal blows to my Womb. Ok universe, you just gon do me like that?!? Lol. Life is really something you know. Full of surprises. There’s a saying that goes “until you learn the lesson, it will keep showing up”. Ok universe I get it, I hear you, I still have more work to do. I understand that healing occurs in layers, but at this point in my life, I’m wondering exactly how many more layers are there? And then I hear “sometimes the only way out is through”. And I accept that there’s a big difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Especially when it comes to healing. So I put my walking shoes on.
I have tried to separate myself from my abuser. He was a monster (and he is) and I was the innocent victim (which I was) and that was the gist of our connection. But I had to accept that it was deeper than that. As sick, twisted and unfathomable as it is to accept we were more than just abuser and victim. Even saying this now seems weird and wrong. But anyone who has experienced sexual molestation can understand where I’m coming from. You develop a connection with your abuser. It is forced, unwanted, and wrong but nonetheless it’s there. My abuser used to call me cutie pie. He was never ever mean to me verbally. He wasn’t violent towards me. By all accounts he was nice to me. Which made things all the more confusing in my 4 year old mind….Now, I’m at the point where it’s not just monster and victim, it’s lover and victim, which requires a different type of healing.
Seeing him in that feeble, disabled state gave me a sense of power that I had never felt before. The last time I saw him was nearly 10 years ago in traffic, and I nearly had a panic attack. This was progress. I realized that I was still carrying parts of him within me. Although I had seemingly moved on with my life, seeing him was a trigger. So many of my insecurities and fears are wrapped in those years spent in the throes of his abuse. It wasn’t a matter of me demonizing him as a monster, it now became me proactively and tenderly cutting every energy cord that existed between him and I. Just as I’ve done with lovers in the past that I consented to sharing energy and space with. I needed to do the same with him, except he was the Lover I didn’t choose. The Lover I didn’t want. My hatred for him which would be the equivalent of a woman ranting, raving, slashing tires and keying the car of her Lover who has wronged her, has now turned into the emotionally mature woman who quietly but sternly says to her former lover, “get the fuck outta my house”. And he knows as well as she that he’s never coming back.
I’ve reached a point in my journey where I’m so tired of being outraged at the years I’ve lost, and I just want to be free. No, I can never ever get those years back. Yes I have every right to be angry. But It won’t bring my childhood back (this is a layer of healing I’ve mastered. For some this is the first and most difficult healing lesson to engage). But I can transmute the energy surrounding my past into a powerful testament of what self-love and a unwavering desire to move forward can do. I have a beautiful daughter and everyday I get to watch enjoy her childhood. The child in me leaps to see her so happy and innocent. I have a man who loves me, as wounded and scarred as I am. With all of that, I owe it to no one but myself to cut those cords with my abuser and live the life that’s awaiting me. I must cut the ties and clear the path. He will continue to deteriorate, and I’m certain he will suffer a premature and agonizing death. Because that’s what he deserves. (I’m not the forgiving type). And those energy cords will be buried with him…What about me?
Well, I’m going to take my tears and water my garden. There are beautiful things that grow there.
Kathleen, “The Nutritional Truth Teller” is a Certified Holistic Nutritionst, Certified Nutrition and Wellness Consultant and a Certified Vaginal Steam Facilitator. She is the owner of Beauty In A Barbell Nutrition, whose sole mission is to optimize the physical, mental, and spiritual health of the Black community through African Holistic Health. She carries with her the ancestral knowledge and wisdom of the medicine men, women, healers and warriors she lovingly calls her ancestors.