“Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with…someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache…Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love and madness combine and course through you”
I found it very interesting when I asked each man how he came to the realization that the woman he had chosen was “The One”, they all alluded to and said the same thing. The woman they chose was their best friend. She was someone who understood him and was a constant in his life. She was reliable, dependable and her heart was his home. She listened to him, laughed with him and experienced life with him. She challenged him, inspired him, and was there for every success. More importantly, she was there when there were failures. She held him accountable, but also gave him the space and opportunity to grow while being his biggest cheerleader. In return, he happily gave her everything she has given him; forever grateful to have someone by his side that not only is his lover, but his very best friend.
My father talks a lot about growing up in Texas. One story that always sticks out to me is the one where he talks about getting water from a well. He said that before you could get water from the well, you first had to prime the pump by adding water from a bucket. The well would give you all the water you needed, but you add water first. It sounds counterintuitive, but that’s the way it works. Men are similar. You must put something in them to get the abundance you desire. When asked if there was any advice to give to single woman, Alpha man #4 said, “Be what you want to attract. If you want a man that is confident, make sure you are confident. If you want a man that is responsible, be responsible. If you want a King, be a Queen.” (To read what all the men had to say, read the original article,What a Man Wants in a Woman: The True Alpha Male Speaks)
If you ask a woman what she wants in a man she will pull out her laundry list of expectations, demands, non-negotiables and deal breakers. And I’m not saying those lists are right or wrong. Women know what they expect a man to bring to the table, but what are the women bringing? Do you have anything to prime the pump? Do you have any water to add to the well of potential men who pursue you? And if you do what type of water is in your bucket?
Is your water bucket full of baggage from past relationships, unhealed childhood wounds and trauma, insecurities, fears, resentment, hostility, bitterness, low self-esteem, self-love issues, and negative attitudes and outlooks on life? Because these are not homie, lover and best friend qualities. These are hit it and quit it qualities or run for the hills qualities. One of my favorite songs by Erykah Badu is Bag Lady. She sings, “Bag lady you gon hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that…When they see you coming, n****s take off running, from you it’s true, oh yes they do. One day he gon say, you crowding my space. So, pack light”.
This is not an indictment on women, nor is this saying that women must be perfect and have it all together. You can be in the process of healing and still be extremely attractive. Alpha man #1 said, “Just be real. Self-awareness is key. A woman who isn’t honest with herself about her struggles, issues and obstacles, but instead projects those issues on others is not attractive”. Alpha male #4 said, “You can still be evolving and be a work in progress and still be confident in who you are”. The only way you can have a great relationship with a man is to first have a great relationship with yourself. The men were adamant about women having their own thoughts and opinions. Being very confident and self-assured. These were the qualities they desired most. There’s a lot of talk about securing the bag, but women need to secure the bucket. The water bucket!
The truth is, men need us. They need us to be their best friends. And we need the same from them. Someone to laugh with, grow with and experience life with. They need support, understanding, patience and accountability. We are their gift. We are the bucket of water and they are the well. They will give us the world and move heaven and earth to make us happy, but that all depends on what’s in our bucket. I had to stop focusing so much on what I wanted to receive from men and instead focused on what I had to give. I had to take a good look at what was in my bucket and it was not pretty. It would clog up any water well and cause it to not work at all. But when I worked on what was in my bucket, healing from past traumas and wounds ,and I truly began to love and accept myself, the water in my bucket started looking better and better. I was going to be the perfect homie, lover & best friend. One day, I had the opportunity to pour my water into a great guy’s well. And well, (no pun intended) the water has been flowing ever since.
Kathleen, “The Nutritional Truth Teller” is a Certified Holistic Nutritionst, Certified Nutrition and Wellness Consultant and a Certified Vaginal Steam Facilitator. She is the owner of Beauty In A Barbell Nutrition, whose sole mission is to optimize the physical, mental, and spiritual health of the Black community through African Holistic Health. She carries with her the ancestral knowledge and wisdom of the medicine men, women, healers and warriors she lovingly calls her ancestors.