“Having the right woman in your life is like printing your own money”
While on a work trip in Fort Lauderdale, I was brushing my teeth and boom! I had an idea. Valentine’s Day was coming up and instead of my usual grumpy attitude of, “I don’t need a man-made holiday to celebrate love”, I felt all oooey and gooey inside. Instead of running for cover and dodging all the hearts, roses and chocolate, I wanted to be a part of the love festivities.
My idea was to gain real insight into what a man truly desires from women and relationships. There are a lot of women who truly desire companionship, healthy relationships and fulfilling marriages. As women, we sometimes think we have it figured out. But I don’t think we do. As I’ve navigated my own relationship, I’ve learned so much about black men; their hopes, fears, dreams and what they truly need from us as their life partners. I’ve come to the realization that we don’t know as much as we think.
Who is better able to tell us what men want more than men??? This is where my idea becomes brilliant. I decided to interview 4 black men to find out what men really want from women. Now, these aren’t your average, run of the mill black men. These are not the dusty negroes on social media ranting about submissiveness (although it’s extremely important). These men are the cream of the crop. The type of men any woman would be proud to have in her life. They are handsome, educated, successful in their respected fields, and most importantly they are loyal, dedicated and committed family men. They epitomize what an alpha male is. (For those of you who may be unfamiliar or have preconceived notions about what an alpha male is, please read the article I wrote: Be a Wolf, Not a Lion: Lessons for True Alpha Males and the Women Who Desire Them).
I asked each man 6 questions and they gave me their honest and heartfelt responses. Here it is ladies, this is what men want.
- How did you know that your wife/significant other was the one?
Alpha Male #1– She became my best friend and had all the qualities I desired in a woman.
Alpha Male #2– There wasn’t an “aha” moment. There were several events over time that led me to know was the one. It was a natural life progression. Her character revealed who she was as we experienced life together. She was reliable and she was my best friend. He adds, “How can you want to spend your life with someone without having any lifetime experience together.”
Alpha Male #3– We built a bond and a connection. She showed that she cared about me and was concerned about what was going on in my life. She became my homie, my best friend.
Alpha Male #4 – I knew she was the one because of her steadiness and consistency. I’ve known her since we were teenagers and we were close friends. She was always there for me and she really knew me. We became best friends.
2.What are the top three qualities that are most important for a woman to have?
Alpha Male #1
- Self-Assurance– She must know who she is. She must know she is the bomb and not be swayed by the opinions of others.
- Independence– She cannot depend on a man to give her life meaning and significance. She must have that on her own. She should have independent interests, thoughts and feelings. She must have a life outside of her relationship.
- Ambition-She should have dreams and goals that she would like to accomplish. She should strive to be a better mother, wife, sister and friend and not just be ambitious when it comes to her career.
Alpha Male #2
- Intelligence– I need a woman who is at least as smart as I am. She must be able to hold an intelligent conversation. She must have something to pass along to our children
- Ambition– Life is always changing. She must be forward thinking and not always live in the moment. She must be able to go with the flow. Be willing to change careers if the need arises. Have enough ambition to challenge me and make me better.
- Selflessness– She should be willing to cater to her man and be willing to do things for him without it being a fight. Even as a double minority, she should be willing to take a backseat when necessary, not always making everything about her.
Alpha Male #3
- Positive attitude/good sense of humor -I don’t want a woman who is always serious. She needs to be able to laugh, crack jokes and have a good time.
- Good communicator/Listener- Everything doesn’t have to end up in a fight. A woman who can listen while also being able to express her views without yelling and screaming is sexy.
- Attentive/Caring– A woman who checks on you throughout the day and shows concern about your daily life. A woman who truly cares about you and your overall wellbeing.
Alpha Male #4
- Confidence– A woman who is confident in who she is and what she possesses. You can still be evolving and be a work in progress and still be confident in who you are.
- Patience– A woman who understands that there are goals a man needs to accomplish and that there are things he needs to take care of as a man. Be patient with him while he is working on those things while still holding him accountable.
- Independence– A woman should not be easily influenced by trends and friends. She needs to have the ability to break away and say, “I disagree”. She should have independent thoughts.
3. What are the top three qualities that will make a man run?
Alpha Male #1
- Insecurity– A woman who does not know her own worth and value. She must realize that self-love is something she can only give herself.
- Negative attitude-There is already so much negativity that is faced in the outside world. Be his peace. Don’t complain about life, do something about it. If you have a job you don’t like, let’s be proactive. Have a positive outlook on life.
- Self-Denial– Just be real. Self-awareness is key. A woman who isn’t honest with herself about her struggles, issues and obstacles, but instead projects those issues on others is not attractive.
Alpha Male #2
- Argumentative/Contentious- a woman who likes to argue for no reason
- Not prioritizing the relationship-ex. Listening to friends and family members and putting other things and people ahead of the relationship.
- Controlling– Pressuring a man and trying to progress the relationship too fast. Men like to see things develop and don’t like to be forced to do anything.
Alpha Male #3
- Complaining/Whining- A woman who complains about everything; her job, her problems, her children, everything and seems to never be happy.
- Nagging- constantly pointing out everything the man is doing wrong or what she doesn’t like will make a man run.
- Ungrateful- Doesn’t recognize when a man is making or has made an effort.
Alpha Male #4
- Irrational- Doing things without thinking and being impulsive. When confronted with her actions the logic isn’t there. She can’t form reasons why she is or isn’t doing something.
- Superficial- Overly concerned with appearance and more focused on the outward vs. the inward.
- Weak/docile- A woman who can’t stand her ground and allows a man to do whatever he wants and allows a man to walk all over her.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how important are looks?
Alpha Male #1– You don’t want a total dumpster fire, but a woman who dresses well, works out and smells great is what makes a woman attractive. I would say looks are a 5, but there is a big caveat. Yes, with exercise and fitness being major right now, everyone can look a certain way from a fitness perspective. But TRUE CONFIDENCE can make what some would consider a “3 “a “10”. A woman who carries herself with confidence and respect will be very attractive.
Alpha Male #2– “10” Sex is a big part of a relationship, especially a marriage. People say that personality is more important than looks but when we have sex, I’m not having sex with a personality. I’m not superficial but my wife is a representation of me. I’m honestly not into those Instagram looking models. I don’t like a lot of makeup. You can be what some consider to be plain and still be very attractive.
Alpha Male #3– “20” I don’t really have a type, but a woman with a nice smile and nice teeth are a non-negotiable. Everything else can be worked on. Overall, it’s better to be with a good woman who causes you NO stress than to be with a bad ass woman (looks) who causes you stress.
Alpha Male #4 – “7” Looks do matter, but the confidence must be there as well. Confidence, swag and belief in yourself will have others believing in you too. You must have the intangibles to truly be attractive. A bit of mystery and magic goes a long way. You can come with the injections and the makeup, but if you are empty on the inside, good luck.
5. As a black man in America what are you most afraid of when it comes to being a husband/father?
Alpha Male #1– Not being able to provide for my family and being a disappointment to my family and people. I always want to give my family the best of everything. Not just financially, but physically, emotionally and spiritually. I must constantly guard myself against all the things that come against me to stop me. I must not lose my head, keep us out of debt, eat right, exercise so I can be around 100%. Emotionally and spiritually, I must stay on top of my spirit and do the right things, so I don’t disappoint the people who count on me.
Alpha Male #2– There is an extra level of pressure and stress I place on myself to be Super husband/Super dad. I want to combat the negative stereotypes that exist about black men being absentee. It’s a struggle to maintain balance because there is the stress to be great and I try to always go above and beyond and be perfect.
Alpha Male #3– The fear of failure. It is a big responsibility and America is not conducive for marriage and family life. It is a lot of pressure to live out the rat race. The balance of providing and being present is difficult to navigate. There are some men who must work so much that they don’t see their children much. They miss games or important events. I don’t want to fail my family.
Alpha Male #4- I want to make sure I control the narrative of the black man for my family, especially my sons. And for my daughter as well. I want to control the image and perception of what a black man is for them. Not feeling is huge. Black men need a safe space to fully express themselves
6.What is your advice to single women who aspire to marry an alpha male?
Alpha Male #1– Make sure you are truly happy with yourself and your situation. Real men don’t like women that are looking for meaning only in their relationship. A relationship is an enhancement, not a foundation to who you are. That foundation must be firm and correct, and you must be happy with it.
Alpha Male #2– Put the double minority status of black woman aside and be willing to compromise. The more you compromise and show support without being dominant the better you will be. Men don’t wear their emotions on their sleeves. Be patient when you are problem solving with men. They need time to think things through. Listen to them. Talk to them, not at them. Relationships are hard no matter how long its been; 1 year or 20. It is a constant learning process. Be willing to open up and talk.
Alpha Male #3– Set yourself apart. Every woman can cook and clean. Every woman has a pum-pum(vagina). Not every woman can be a man’s peace and source of inspiration. Have something to offer more than what the average woman can offer.
Alpha Male #4 Be what you want to attract. If you want a man that is confident, make sure you are confident. If you want a man that is responsible, be responsible. If you want a King, be a Queen. I am tired of the narrative, “all black men are the same”. That may be based on the type of men that women have been exposed to. Expand your horizons. Travel. Don’t make decisions based on your immediate environment. We’re trying to fit the mold of what women want. Don’t lower your standards and downplay who you are.
Well there you have it! This what a true alpha man wants. I learned so much from these interviews and I hope you did as well. There is a lot to unpack, but no worries over the next couple of days, I will share articles which delve deeper into certain aspects of what these men have shared. Just remember ladies, “It’s never too late until it is-when your lungs swallow their last breaths and your eyes shut on a world that would have offered you so much more if only you had the courage to reach out. So trust in the time you have left”. Happy Valentine’s Day…
Kathleen, “The Nutritional Truth Teller” is a Certified Holistic Nutritionst, Certified Nutrition and Wellness Consultant and a Certified Vaginal Steam Facilitator. She is the owner of Beauty In A Barbell Nutrition, whose sole mission is to optimize the physical, mental, and spiritual health of the Black community through African Holistic Health. She carries with her the ancestral knowledge and wisdom of the medicine men, women, healers and warriors she lovingly calls her ancestors.